vital spark (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} vitalspark) wrote,@ 2009-11-06 03:36:00 |
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Please, Try Again - The Lost Letters
Title: Please, Try Again - The Lost Letters ("31")
Author:vitalspark
Pairing: Frank/Gerard . Mikey Way, Patrick Stump, Pete Wentz, Adam Lazzara, Brendon Urie, William Beckett and Ryan Ross all end up making appearances.
Rating: NC-17 as a whole.
Summary: AU -- "This, was real..." 23 year-old Gerard Way shot to fame after portraying a tortured high school student who turns on his high school in the indie film of the year, immediately generating Oscar Buzz. Thrust suddenly into the spotlight, he's torn between his new hetero 'Hollywood 'It Boy'' status and lifestyle, and the small town homosexual man that he was -- engaged to his 17 year-old lover, Frank Iero.
POV: Third-person.
Dedications: Thank you to everyone who has commented!
Disclaimer: Fake, fake, fake.
All chapters, etcetera, can be found atvitalspark.
Though "Please, Try Again" officially ended with Chapter 30, this chapter is a transition chapter between PTA and the sequel. It's filled with letters that Frank wrote to Gerard in the three years between the two stories and never sent to him, along with various magazine clippings and emails.
If there any questions you may have after reading this chapter, please let me know and I'll make sure and answer them in SY.
The first chapter of the sequel, "Save Yourself", will be posted shortly. It's NaNoWriMo time, woo!!
The Lost Letters: 2006
January 28th, 2006
G
i’m the biggest coward alive and I know it… i always wondered how someone could do this to someone they loved—and i love you so fucking much yet here I am, doing it for a second time. i wouldn’t blame you if you hated me… i don’t like myself very much at the moment, either.
But i mean, i think you don’t… you did send the shirt after all… and you’re right… it is so obnoxious that i’d wear it.
there’s a lot I want to say… but every time i start to write it down i think, stick – meet the dead horse that you’ve been beating.
i feel like shit. we weren’t supposed to end up this way G, were we?
we weren’t. i know we weren’t. it doesn’t make sense.
the (stupid) decision i made hurts like hell every day. it doesn’t help that your face is EVERYWHERE… It’s a constant reminder of how I’ve screwed up… again. i’m always screwing up and i’m sorry. but I guess if you take the pain out of love… then it wouldn’t exist, right? i know, what a stupid kid excuse…
okay… i’m hurting, G… and I don’t know how to tell you. i wish i could be this honest when it wasn’t in a blinking box of an email I’ll never send (i think i’ve proven how much of a coward i am lately)… and as much as I’m hurting, i tell myself it’s for the best… i hope. i realllllly hope.
i got to see five new states the past week, G… they were beautiful… connecticut had a lot of trees and what the fuck is the purpose of Delaware? I mean, SERIOUSLY?! i think I’m going to get a map and start marking all of the states off that I’ve been too. i never thought i’d seen more than new jersey and new york and I guess California thanks to you to be honest… but now i’ve been to almost ten, and pete says i did really well on the road, so they’re going to take me out with them on the next tour they do!!
i want to see at least twenty states… that’s my goal. no… twenty five!! i want to see at least half of the country before I die. i don’t know why i’m making a “bucket list” at seventeen. Don’t ask me!!
But no more Delawares.
Somewhere on the road i came to the conclusion… i think this is for the best.
i know so. I hope so.
I don’t know what to say.
honestly,
truth be told… I miss you.
FRANK
* * *
February 5th, 2006
G
i heard… i’ll always believe you should have won.
FRANK
* * *
February 14th, 2006
G
i wore the shirt to bed last night… i almost wore it today except for I didn’t want anyone asking questions.
I don’t know…
this “holiday” is only for the Hallmark tools anyway.
william bought me chocolate boob candies as a joke, but it just wasn’t the same.
i did this to myself.
i miss you.
FRANK
* * *
April 9th, 2006
G
happy 24th birthday…
FRANK
* * *
April 18th, 2006
G
I’m in Chicago…
… didn’t we promise the first time that we saw this city, it would be together?
i went to the top of the sears tower like we always wanted to and took a picture… i felt on top of the world just like you said I would.
wherever you are, I hope you’re happy…
i think I’m happy. Almost.
FRANK
* * *
BLENDER MAGAZINE
June 2006
BLENDER: Your upcoming film, due out November 3rd, shows a powerful look at both sides of a break-up. The trailer looks incredible, and Skylar Paine comes off as a complete bitch!
GERARD WAY: (laughs) Her character is something else, that’s for sure. In person, she’s incredible.
BLENDER: Anything more going on there? We wouldn’t blame you, she’s hot!
WAY: No, nothing’s going on. She’s one of my closest friends.
BLENDER: We’re not entirely sure we believe you, but carrying on. Your character, Jake, struggles a lot in the film as his relationship is fizzling out with his high school sweetheart, Melanie. We won’t give it away, but—
WAY: Jake goes through some fucked up shit. You can say it.
BLENDER: Exactly. This guy can’t seem to catch a break.
WAY: He really can’t. Everything he believed to be absolutely perfect about his life falls apart in this period of maybe 48, 72 hours. He just loses his shit, he goes nuts! But that is what’s great about the movie, is that it’s not just another romantic comedy. There’s nothing romantic about it. It shows both sides of a break-up, it shows why everything is falling apart in his life, and how he’s just as guilty as Melanie is, as his friends are, as his family is. You’re not going to feel sorry for this guy, but you’ll definitely relate. You’ll empathize.
BLENDER: You seem to enjoy characters that are the misunderstood-type. The ones we’re not going to feel sorry for, but we can almost relate to if we look deep enough.
WAY: (laughs) It would appear so, right? I don’t know man, there’s just something intriguing about characters like those. Something exciting. Something dangerous. I don’t want to play the standard, boring roles. How many more romantic comedies do we really need? Don’t get me wrong, Reese Witherspoon is gorgeous, but nobody is going to believe me as someone who’s trying to win her heart.
BLENDER: I’d hit it in Legally Blonde.
WAY: I’ll go with Election. I have a soft spot in my heart for the fellow geeks.
BLENDER: Reese aside, how do you go about researching for a role like this? Have any experiences with crazy ex-girlfriends in your past?
WAY: I guess I’ve been lucky with that, no crazy ex-girlfriends for me.
BLENDER: You sure? Rumor has it you went through a nasty break-up yourself during the filming of this movie. Life imitating art?
WAY: That’s the rumor? Well, I mean, yeah, that did happen. It was fucked up. Actually, no, that’s not the right way to say it. It... It sucked. It sucked how parts of my life started following parts of the film a little too closely. Or the other way around I guess.
BLENDER: How so?
WAY: This is what you want to lead your article with? Interesting, though uncreative, approach to advertising the movie.
BLENDER: I take it the break-up is still painful to talk about?
WAY: Of course it is. Sometimes I’m still bitter about the way it ended, and sometimes I’m glad it’s over. And the idea that I could be glad that something that I valued so much could be over—it’s a painful thought. How could I feel that way about this person who means so much to me? I mean, who are we even kidding? Break-ups are emotional. You sit there and think about how bad you feel, you start to wonder who or what was the cause of the problems that you were having, how you didn’t recognize that they were happening. But, at the same time, you’re desperately wondering if the other person still cares. You just want to know that you’re something that the other person is missing, that you at least meant something to them.
BLENDER: You’re absolutely right.
WAY: I really wish I wasn’t. I don’t know. This may be one role I got a little too close to.
* * *
June 23rd, 2006
G
I hate you.
FRANK
* * *
June 24th, 2006
G
I just… i… are… are you kidding me?!
you know… summer is starting, and my life is changing.
and just so you know—I wake up every day with a BIG fucking smile on my face.
and G, the “love of my life”, IT NEVER FUCKING FEELS OUT OF PLACE.
I wonder how bad that tastes for you.
AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM THE HAPPIEST I’VE EVER BEEN.
AND… and you know what, i’m falling more and MORE in love with the distance put between us every day. every state I conquer without you… it is MY victory. not yours, not ours, MINE.
i’m the cause to all of your problems?
THIS IS THE REASON YOU’RE ALONE!
i am NO gentleman. i’m a prick. Fuck you Gerard Way.
FUCK. YOU.
how could you say those things? in an interview of all places?
everything we had?
don’t worry, “love”… it’s no longer there.
you fucking asshole.
Maybe I should hate you for this.
i DO hate you for this.
if only you knew half as much as you pretend to.
LET ME GO.
FUCK!
…i can’t believe you told the whole world how badly I made you feel.
what about how badly you made ME feel?
i hate you.
FRANK
* * *
October 31st, 2006
G
i’m growing up. and I’m going to do everything I want to do on my own.
without you.
I am NOT afraid to keep on living.
because you know what? I’VE GOT PROMISE. AND I’VE GOT TALENT.
I don’t need you.
FRANK
* * *
COSMOPOLITAN
November 2006
GUY ON THE RISE: GERARD WAY
Hometown: Summit, New Jersey
Age: 24
Current gig: Starring opposite Skylar Payne in this month’s Storyteller, out November 3rd.
Romantic Status: Single.
ON HIS SUDDEN RISE TO FAME: I can’t wrap my head around it; I don’t know how to understand it. So I fall back to what I do know—I know I’ve got to memorize my lines for tomorrow, and I’ve got to call my Mom before she goes to bed tonight or there’ll be hell to pay.
HIS ADVICE FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP: You can’t go to bed angry. The moment you do that, nobody’s “won” and you’ve taken two steps back. You wake up in the morning and you feel awful because nothing’s been solved and it starts a brand new day on a negative note. And always say “I Love You”. Every day.
ON HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS: They’re a special kind of love, one that you only get when you’re still idealistic kids, one that you only get once. Unfortunately, when it’s over, it’s a special kind of pain that jades you a little, a pain that you never want to relive again.
ON HIS PERFECT GIRL: Honestly, if there’s a dog-eared copy of Watchmen on your bookshelf and it’s not your little brothers: I’m yours.
* * *
November 5th, 2006
G
I AM NOT AFRAID TO WALK THIS WORLD ALONE.
i am 18 fucking years old Gerard. i am not a child anymore. there are things that I have done that you never should EVER know.
what do you have to say for yourself? this time?
Fuck you—when you see my face, I hope it gives you hell.
You deserve it.
don’t let it all go to your head.
boys like you are a DIME A DOZEN.
especially in Hollywood.
how could you tell the world our rules for each other when you couldn’t even follow them yourself?
how does it feel being a hypocrite? how does it feel being a fucking fake?
I am awake and unafraid.
FRANK
* * *
Box Office for the week of November 3rd-5th, 2006
1) Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan - $26.4m
2) The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause - $19.5m
3) Storyteller - $18.8m
* * *
December 2nd, 2006
The night had been long. From the driving, to the show, to the amount of people that had shown up, to the after-party that had inevitably sprung up because, “that’s what rockstars do”.
The day had been busy, and it hadn’t left Frank a lot of time to think. Just to feel. And regardless of how well he had been able to keep Gerard off of his mind, he could still feel him; he could still feel the realization that he was alone in his heart.
Leaning back against the wall of the elevator, he pressed his head back, closing his eyes momentarily.
“Not able to handle the ‘rockstar lifestyle’?” William teased, leaning against another wall of the elevator, staring at Frank. With the amount of alcohol that both men had consumed that evening, William, somehow, was able to keep himself mostly composed. Frank could barely keep his balance leaning against the wall.
“I can totally handle this,” Frank stated, giving as confident a nod as he could. He was going to fake it until everybody believed he was absolutely okay, himself included.
William wasn’t convinced. Standing up from the wall, he walked straight to Frank, not stopping until he was pressed flush against the boy.
“We’ve all read the papers; we get it. But listen. You are on tour. You have countless disposables, full access, and all of us backing you. You are lucky. Get him off your mind,” William said firmly, staring straight into Frank’s eyes. Pressing one hand against the wall, he took his other hand and held the side of Frank’s face, pulling him forward and pressing a deep kiss to his lips. One, turned in to more.
This wasn’t love. This wasn’t a budding romance.
This was alcohol, and this was recovery.
* * *
December 18th, 2006
G
the entire East Coast.
most of the Midwest.
i’ve done it all so far without you.
and yet…
you’re still all I fucking think about.
I don’t know.
You should have shown up by now.
A knock at the door, me on the balcony… nevermind.
truth be told, I miss you.
truth be told… I’m fucking lying.
I don’t know the difference between the two anymore.
I wish I did.
FRANK
* * *
December 25th, 2006
G
the ink may cover my arms, and the hair is different, but somewhere underneath is the same boy that left. the same boy that loved you. somewhere.
FRANK
* * *
* * *
The Lost Letters: 2007
January 8th, 2007
G,
when am I going to stop being so bitter? it’s been months, and I’m still so angry. when is this feeling going to end?
i watch the things I do, and they all come down to you. whether I like it or not. i realize you’re this part of me that I can never erase, but you’re a part of me that I never want to.
i want to find myself, but I don’t want to lose you.
i don’t know. i don’t know anything.
Frank
* * *
January 28th, 2007
The problem with William was that he was a snoop.
When he had initially asked to use Frank’s laptop to check his email, it hadn’t crossed Frank’s mind that his own email account, opened up to the “Drafts” folder with all of his unsent emails, was still up on the screen. And far be it from William Beckett to look the other way when something was just that easy.
It was where Frank found him almost twenty minutes later, still reading all of the emails one by one. “What the fuck are you doing?”
Easily, William knocked Frank’s hand out of the way before he had a chance to shut the laptop on him. “Reading good stuff,” he said, returning to the email he had been in the middle of reading. “What did I tell you about hiding this shit from me?”
Scowling, Frank set his cup of coffee down on his desk. Reaching out once more, this time he managed to snatch the laptop off of the desk without William putting up a fight. “It’s not a crime to keep some things private.”
“I repeat, it is when it’s good shit!” William exclaimed. Picking up Frank’s coffee, he made a face as he took a sniff of the flavor. “Geez man, you drinking coffee or creamer?”
With a roll of his eyes, Frank set his laptop on the bed to take his cup of coffee back, and William easily swiped the laptop once again.
“Bill, come on man,” Frank whined, clearly giving up on another attempt. “Stop, please?”
“Why are you so shy about your fucking talent?” William asked as he set the laptop back on the desk, suddenly bored with the game. “I mean it kid, look at the stuff you’ve been writing. Try piecing it together to a tune. Then tell me you don’t have a fucking talent for this shit.”
* * *
February 14th, 2007
G
texas. sitting on Sixth Street in a café.
in my hand holds a copy of a pretty fucking awesome music magazine. a picture I took is inside.
ME, of all people, published in a music magazine!!
beneath my magazine… is your damn face. cover of a tabloid. womanizing? really? more lies to keep your image so safe? I suppose this is commonplace now.
i’ve really screwed up in a lot of ways, but I refuse to cry anymore.
especially over you.
i can’t cry over you, I’ve got my own life to live.
my picture is really in this magazine. a picture I took! I’m a published photographer, G… me!
Frank
* * *
February 18th, 2007
G
you kiss me like an overdramatic actor who's starving for work / with one last shot to make it happen / you've won the role, you've played your part, you've been cordially invited / but i'm not impressed, and i'm definitely not excited.
hollywood hills and suburban thrills, hey you, who are you kidding? / i'm not like them. i won't buy in.
take back everything you ever said / you never meant a word of it / you never did.
Frank
* * *
March 8th, 2007
G
“Always will.”
oh, I’ve fucked up so bad.
Frank
* * *
March 28th, 2007
The alcohol talked day after day.
It talked in the morning, with the hangover from the day before greeting the morning sun. It talked in the afternoon during load-in, when jokes about the previous night’s events came in to play, Frank learning how to balance a beer can in one hand, and his camera in the other as he captured tour life. It talked in the evening, during the show, once the final note had been played, and the girls started coming around the van, asking where so and so were.
It talked in the elevator, as it lifted four, five, six stories in the hotel buildings, taking Frank to his floor.
It talked as his body was sandwiched between the wall and the body that pressed against him, his arms circling around William’s shoulders, his hands pressing flush against the back of his neck. It talked as his lips eagerly, drunkenly sought the lips that met his, wanting to feel the familiar comfort that he had felt every time he had kissed Gerard.
The familiar comfort wasn’t there, but Frank could ignore that for the time being.
The alcohol talked as they stumbled into the room, and the alcohol talked as they hit the bed.
The alcohol talked every morning that Frank woke up in bed alone.
* * *
March 29th, 2007
G
I don’t want to sleep alone anymore.
Frank
* * *
April 2nd, 2007
G
you could cure me; see all you have to do now is please try. / give it your best shot and try. / all I’m asking for is love, but you never seem to have enough.
i gotta feel you in my bones again. / i’m all over you… / i’m not over you.
Frank
* * *
April 9th, 2007
G
you’re 25 today.
Happy birthday.
without a doubt, you’re all I dream about.
I’ll admit… I miss you. more than yesterday.
more than I did last year.
you’re so far away.
go on and live your life, but please, show me how.
I’m a total wreck. Do you care at all?
I’m not okay, Gerard, I’m not.
All I need to know… am I something that you’re missing?
I just want to believe in us.
I just want to believe that there’s hope.
i’ve accomplished so much on my own… and I just want you here.
i’ve made our last mistake. I promise.
I MISS YOU. I love you.
Happy birthday.
Frank
* * *
April 18th, 2007
G
we just drove into my 25th state.
whoa.
Frank
* * *
May 2nd, 2007
G
I’m in Los Angeles.
Frank
* * *
May 3rd, 2007
G
second day. the venue is less than a mile from your hotel. i suppose old hotel since I figure you probably have an apartment by now. i looked around for you every other minute it seemed. of course you weren’t there. saw from the magazines that you’re in London filming.
London, damn.
guess you’ve officially made it now.
Frank
* * *
May 8th, 2007
G
I’m a total wreck and almost every day/Like the firing squad or the mess you’ve made
If you were here I’d never have a fear/So go on live your life/But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
Frank
* * *
July 3rd, 2007
It was something that nobody needed to know. And it was something that neither one of them was going to be the first to tell anyone, or even admit to something happening.
That didn’t mean that nobody else had caught on.
While for the most part everyone on the tour was blissfully unaware of the heated embraces that took place in elevators to hotel rooms, body pressed against body, legs intertwined among sheets in hotel beds, there was one set of eyes that was picking up on what was going on. Even if they didn’t have the exact story, they knew it was something that wasn’t supposed to meet the light of day. And they would use that to their advantage.
Jake found each and every way he could to include a snarky remark in any conversation he had with William, or at any moment in time when he was around the man, especially in company where such knowledge about actions behind closed doors could be damaging to everything the men were working hard for.
And it was something William wasn’t appreciating in the slightest.
Over halfway in to a tour, sandwiched in a small club in Maryland, Jake took the liberty to take it another step further.
There couldn’t have been any place more awkward for Frank to be with his camera, taking pictures of the evening, than right there at the moment when Jake let the angry slurs start leaving his lips. He stood more than a few feet away from William, but he was clear to make it no secret who he found the “faggot” to be in the room. A couple of steely glares from William didn’t hold Jake back from throwing the glass filled with beer he had been holding in his hand, and though William was desperately trying to keep himself calm with Ryan’s help, he was quickly losing the struggle.
The moment Jake started to make it obvious that he knew Frank was involved, and William had the man shoved up against the wall in just a few seconds. Though Jake matched his height, and outweighed William by plenty, it was no match for the pure anger that flowed through William’s veins. He was out for blood, and if nobody stepped in, something serious was about to happen.
Nobody stepped in. And William let his fists fly.
* * *
July 4th, 2007
G
Independence is a bitch.
i don’t think i’ve ever been called a ‘faggot’ as much as i have been in the past week. i guess i deserve it. i haven’t done the best things lately. i don’t understand though, what did I do to him? why does he hate me so much? i didn’t do anything. at least, i mean, i haven’t done anything intentionally to him.
i feel like shit. i feel like I ruined everything.
some might say we are made from the sharpest things you say / we never wanted it to be this way.
Frank
* * *
July 18th, 2007
G
this sucks. nothings better out here, really. everyone is great, don’t get me wrong, it’s just jake. Now he’s acting as if I don’t exist, though if William asks my opinion on anything, he has a remark waiting. It’s like world war three out here.
i want to leave, but carissa is flying out here for a couple of days now. I’m really grateful for her.
Pete asked if that would give me a reason to stay, and she’s like the unofficial band mom (don’t tell Aunt Gina), and also the peacemaker when she’s out here so… yeah, I mean, where else would I go?
I’ve never been hated so much for something about me. I don’t understand it.
What a dick.
Frank
* * *
August 30th, 2007
G
what will it take to show you that it’s not the life it seems? / i’m not okay.
come back to me. please.
Frank
* * *
October 31st, 2007
G
i’m 19 today.
do you care at all?
you’re the only face I’ve ever known.
i’m only as much as you want me to be.
I hate that I feel like that.
i want to be so much without you.
but I’m not. I’m just not.
i regret more than I admit.
Frank
* * *
December 26th, 2007
G
At Aunt Gina’s. i overheard her telling Carissa that you haven’t really been here in over a year. That the only time she saw you was when she demanded you come down for lunch while you were in New York filming a movie. why haven’t you been back? What’s so important out there that’s keeping you from home? i know that your life is probably more exciting now, but I hope you know you really always can come back home… she’ll always welcome you back. I always would.
Frank
* * *
* * *
The Lost Letters: 2008
January 2nd, 2008
G
Two years later.
I’m going to try so hard to become a man.
I’m going to try so hard to become the man you deserve.
Famous last words.
I miss you. And I hope you miss me.
Frank
* * *
February 14th, 2008
G
I’m working on myself. I want to be proud of the face I see in the mirror. I don’t know if I am yet. I’ve made too many mistakes.
Frank
* * *
February 22nd, 2008
G
Why is everyone so obsessed with the Internet? All these girls that come to Caveats shows keep asking me if I have a MySpace or a Facebook. Why the fuck would I have one of those??
They keep asking me for my number too. Girls that I’ve talked to once! So bizarre.
Frank
* * *
March 8th, 2008
G,
“ALTERNATIVE PRESS
MARCH 2008
CAVEAT
Living Well Is The Best Revenge EP
4/5 STARS
Released: March 18th, 2008
Download now: GIVES YOU HELL and SLOW DOWN.
Tracklisting:
1) Gives You Hell (Iero/Beckett)
2) Black Mamba (Beckett/Ross)
3) Slow Down (Iero/Beckett)
4) Skeptics and True Believers (Iero/Beckett/Ross)
5) Almost Here (Beckett)”
If you don’t still hate me… you’re probably going to hate me now.
You know what… I don’t care.
Cause, damn. I feel cool.
Frank
* * *
April 9th, 2008
G
26. Hahaha… you’re old.
I wish I could tell you in person.
It’s so stupid because all it takes is picking up a phone and when it comes down to that, I’m too afraid.
I use the excuse that you’re in London (again! geez, you fucking celebrity.) and I can’t afford a call to London, though I know my Gerard would call me back in a second so it’d be on his bill, not mine.
“My Gerard”, what am I, back to eight years old? Weak, that’s not how a man speaks.
I won’t lie though. Sometimes, I think about when we were kids (okay, when I was a kid) in Jersey and everything was perfect and you had all the time in the world for me and I kept trying to convince you to love me by purposely skinning my knee and Aunt Gina made the best dinners and we were fat (you can hide the pictures all you want but they still exist) and we’d sneak kisses in the bathroom claiming you or I were taking a shower but come on like we ever took showers let’s be honest and when Mr. Henson would yell at me for never capitalizing letters in my essays and my run-on sentences but you know what fuck him I like run-on sentences.
Aunt Gina and Pete made me take an online English class at the junior college by the house last year. Pete says he’s going to make me into a little business mogul like him if he has his way. I got an A in my class by the way, sick huh?
I miss you. I love you.
Frank
* * *
June 12th, 2008
G
Pete broke me down. He registered a thing called a Twitter for me a couple of weeks ago and all I have to do is text some numbers and it shows up on this website or something. I still don’t really get it. I don’t get why anyone would want to hear all the stupid shit I think about.
I heard a girl asking Ryan why she wasn’t “following” him. She sounded like a fucking creep, but Ryan explained that that’s what people do with these websites. That sounds INSANE, but I won’t lie, the next girl that asked me for my number that I didn’t have a clue who she was, I told her to “follow” me instead. She seemed happy with that answer.
Girls are weird.
Frank
* * *
INSTYLE
July 2008
We bring up the rumors that surfaced last year, started by Way himself after showing cameras an engagement ring on his hand while leaving a nightclub, and he suddenly looks uncomfortable.
“I was drunk,” he confesses, “and I was going through a tough spot in my life. I was bitter about a lot of things, and alcohol was what I turned to.” His publicist looks like he’s about to intervene on our conversation, but Gerard holds up his hand. He looks at the paparazzi waiting on the sidewalk, a couple taking pictures through the window at our conversation.
“Nobody explains to you how to handle fame, you know? You get advice from everyone, but there’s no clear manual on what to do, how to go about everything. I would never complain about anything in my life now, because I’m so grateful to be where I am.” Gerard stops, and I’m not entirely certain he’s going to continue. For the most part, aside from what tabloids manage to dig up, he’s been notoriously tight-lipped about his life away from the cameras.
“A couple years ago, while filming Storyteller at that, my fiancé ended our engagement. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I was still hurting from the break-up, and just a couple of short weeks later I had to turn around and start publicity for a film about break-ups. I relived my own [break-up] in my head every day for weeks while promoting the film, and let me tell you, that’s enough to make almost anyone go crazy.”
Gerard’s publicist is quick to step in and state that Gerard did not, in fact, go crazy while promoting Storyteller, and the act is enough to bring a laugh to the young actor.
“Hey look, I’m smiling, right?” he asks, though it’s clear it’s not a question. “Time can heal almost anything, and when I think back to the situation now, I know it was something that had to be done. We were young, and we needed time, and space, to grow.”
But what about the engagement ring? Gerard offers only a mysterious shrug, though a small smile is covering his face. “Perhaps I’m just a hopeless romantic waiting for the one that got away.”
* * *
July 23rd, 2008
G
I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry.
Frank
* * *
August 22nd, 2008
G
I am a monster.
I am a monster.
I am a monster.
I am a monster.
I am a monster.
Hate me.
Destroy me.
Frank
* * *
September 2nd, 2008
G,
How are 2,358 people following me on Twitter????? I don’t know that many people!! Who are all these weirdos?!?!
But you know what’s crazy. I said I really wanted a cup of coffee one day, and no joke one girl brought me a cup of coffee THAT NIGHT, and the next day one girl gave me a gift card to COFFEE BEAN!!
Girls are weird. BUT THIS IS AWESOME!
Frank
* * *
September 18th, 2008
G
Saw your letter in Pete’s email today. I think he purposely wanted me to see it since he asked me to print some email from his inbox. I saw his response.
I am the biggest fucking tool on the planet.
Frank
* * *
October 31st, 2008
From: bringmeyourbullets@...
To: eatyourveggies@...
Date: October 31st, 2008, 3:48pm
Subject: (no subject)
Happy 20th birthday Frank.
I hope it’s a good one.
G
* * *
October 31st, 2008
G
Had that wrong—NOW I am the biggest fucking tool on the planet.
I don’t have enough guts to face you. Not after what I’ve done. Not after what I’ve said, what I’ve thought, what I’ve felt.
Frank
* * *
December 30th, 2008
G
I think I’m going to hyperventilate myself into a heart attack. Is that possible?
Fuck. The tattoo hurt less.
I’ll be okay.
Frank
* * *
From: eatyourveggies@...
To: bringmeyourbullets@...
Date: December 30th, 2008, 8:52pm
Subject: (no subject)
Always will.
Frank
* * *
December 30th, 2008
Gerard Way couldn’t remember the last time he had been to any kind of fundraiser that didn’t have white sheer curtains covering the walls. This time, the curtains happened to be covering up wallpaper he was sure came from a decade long before he was born, in an awful shade of mustard green. He pointed out said fact to Skylar when she met up with him at one of the many mini-buffet tables spread out around the room, eliciting a loud laugh from her that caused quite a few heads around the pair to turn.
Desperately trying to muffle her laughter, she distracted herself by giving Gerard a smack on the shoulder. “What did you do, attend the Fashion Institute while I was out of the country? Who are you to give interior design commentary?”
“Hey,” Gerard protested, rubbing his shoulder. “I’m just saying. You’d think with how much money these people throw at everyone, they’d hire someone who was a little, oh, I don’t know, original?”
Her eyes sparkling, Skylar leaned in and whispered her response. “Originality, in Hollywood? You don’t say!”
“Delusional moment,” Gerard offered, reaching in to his pocket as he felt his BlackBerry vibrate twice. Glancing at the “new notification” screen, he thought briefly about passing the phone to Adam to deal with any work emails that were being sent his way. The phone was already in his hand, he reasoned, and it wasn’t as if Adam didn’t already make a habit of regularly checking Gerard’s cell phone messages for any notes that slipped through on his personal number, knowing Gerard had quite a habit of purposely ignoring emails that weren’t expressively stated to be “urgent”.
But, as his eyes ran over the notification that greeted him, this was one email he didn’t expect.
His fingers moved before his brain could catch up, and though it only took two seconds to read the three words contained in the email, it took longer for him to take it in.
“Gerard?”
After a couple more quiet moments, the tip of his tongue slid out to moisten his suddenly dry lips, and he looked up at her with a blank expression. “He sent me an email.”
Later that evening, after the fundraiser and after a quick drink at the bar with a producer he had worked with on a previous film, Gerard shut his bedroom door behind him. He usually had no problem sleeping with his bedroom door open, but after particularly long days or nights around a large group of people such as the event that evening, he tended to lean towards making his room feel as small as possible while he nodded off to sleep. The dark curtains that covered the windows helped add to the effect.
Opening up the closet door, Gerard stood on his toes and reached to the top shelf to retrieve a small box he kept stored there. Sometimes, he could be just as clichéd as some of the movies he found himself involved with.
Sitting down on his bed, he placed the lid down next to him on the bedspread and reached back in to the box. The folded up piece of paper was still there, a little frayed around the edges and the creases soft, but the words in ink still perfectly clear.
He didn’t need to refresh himself; he could recite the letter by heart.
He read it anyway. This time, with a glimmer of hope.
January 1st, 2006
Gerard,
I’m sorry. what a way to start?
I never thought I’d be writing this.
i—no matter what, I’m in your shadow. i need to find me. I don’t know who i am without you. and I don’t think you know you without me.
is it hard understanding, i’m incomplete? LA showed me that. we’ve turned into something so demanding and—I, I’m weak, G. i’ve gotta find me. i have to do this on my own.
i’m scared as hell, but this is the only way I know how. a cowardly letter.
I LOVE YOU… but something changed last night, and this morning we were broken. i’m a mess. you’re a mess. I don’t know how to cope without you either but, it’s not supposed to be like this. you’re the rest of my life G, I KNOW this. But not like this, not as some broken shell of something amazing we once were. we were never like this before, and we don’t deserve to grow into this.
this morning, I saw you lying next to me, with words I thought I’d never speak—AWAKE and UNAFRAID.
i am not afraid to walk this world alone.
i am not afraid to keep on living.
that’s how I need to be.
you want to make me happy?
this is what it takes—letting me go.
please, let me go.
I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE MY LIFE.
- frank
Title: Please, Try Again - The Lost Letters ("31")
Author:
vitalsparkPairing: Frank/Gerard . Mikey Way, Patrick Stump, Pete Wentz, Adam Lazzara, Brendon Urie, William Beckett and Ryan Ross all end up making appearances.
Rating: NC-17 as a whole.
Summary: AU -- "This, was real..." 23 year-old Gerard Way shot to fame after portraying a tortured high school student who turns on his high school in the indie film of the year, immediately generating Oscar Buzz. Thrust suddenly into the spotlight, he's torn between his new hetero 'Hollywood 'It Boy'' status and lifestyle, and the small town homosexual man that he was -- engaged to his 17 year-old lover, Frank Iero.
POV: Third-person.
Dedications: Thank you to everyone who has commented!
Disclaimer: Fake, fake, fake.
All chapters, etcetera, can be found at
vitalspark.Though "Please, Try Again" officially ended with Chapter 30, this chapter is a transition chapter between PTA and the sequel. It's filled with letters that Frank wrote to Gerard in the three years between the two stories and never sent to him, along with various magazine clippings and emails.
If there any questions you may have after reading this chapter, please let me know and I'll make sure and answer them in SY.
The first chapter of the sequel, "Save Yourself", will be posted shortly. It's NaNoWriMo time, woo!!
The Lost Letters: 2006
January 28th, 2006
G
i’m the biggest coward alive and I know it… i always wondered how someone could do this to someone they loved—and i love you so fucking much yet here I am, doing it for a second time. i wouldn’t blame you if you hated me… i don’t like myself very much at the moment, either.
But i mean, i think you don’t… you did send the shirt after all… and you’re right… it is so obnoxious that i’d wear it.
there’s a lot I want to say… but every time i start to write it down i think, stick – meet the dead horse that you’ve been beating.
i feel like shit. we weren’t supposed to end up this way G, were we?
we weren’t. i know we weren’t. it doesn’t make sense.
the (stupid) decision i made hurts like hell every day. it doesn’t help that your face is EVERYWHERE… It’s a constant reminder of how I’ve screwed up… again. i’m always screwing up and i’m sorry. but I guess if you take the pain out of love… then it wouldn’t exist, right? i know, what a stupid kid excuse…
okay… i’m hurting, G… and I don’t know how to tell you. i wish i could be this honest when it wasn’t in a blinking box of an email I’ll never send (i think i’ve proven how much of a coward i am lately)… and as much as I’m hurting, i tell myself it’s for the best… i hope. i realllllly hope.
i got to see five new states the past week, G… they were beautiful… connecticut had a lot of trees and what the fuck is the purpose of Delaware? I mean, SERIOUSLY?! i think I’m going to get a map and start marking all of the states off that I’ve been too. i never thought i’d seen more than new jersey and new york and I guess California thanks to you to be honest… but now i’ve been to almost ten, and pete says i did really well on the road, so they’re going to take me out with them on the next tour they do!!
i want to see at least twenty states… that’s my goal. no… twenty five!! i want to see at least half of the country before I die. i don’t know why i’m making a “bucket list” at seventeen. Don’t ask me!!
But no more Delawares.
Somewhere on the road i came to the conclusion… i think this is for the best.
i know so. I hope so.
I don’t know what to say.
honestly,
truth be told… I miss you.
FRANK
* * *
February 5th, 2006
G
i heard… i’ll always believe you should have won.
FRANK
* * *
February 14th, 2006
G
i wore the shirt to bed last night… i almost wore it today except for I didn’t want anyone asking questions.
I don’t know…
this “holiday” is only for the Hallmark tools anyway.
william bought me chocolate boob candies as a joke, but it just wasn’t the same.
i did this to myself.
i miss you.
FRANK
* * *
April 9th, 2006
G
happy 24th birthday…
FRANK
* * *
April 18th, 2006
G
I’m in Chicago…
… didn’t we promise the first time that we saw this city, it would be together?
i went to the top of the sears tower like we always wanted to and took a picture… i felt on top of the world just like you said I would.
wherever you are, I hope you’re happy…
i think I’m happy. Almost.
FRANK
* * *
BLENDER MAGAZINE
June 2006
BLENDER: Your upcoming film, due out November 3rd, shows a powerful look at both sides of a break-up. The trailer looks incredible, and Skylar Paine comes off as a complete bitch!
GERARD WAY: (laughs) Her character is something else, that’s for sure. In person, she’s incredible.
BLENDER: Anything more going on there? We wouldn’t blame you, she’s hot!
WAY: No, nothing’s going on. She’s one of my closest friends.
BLENDER: We’re not entirely sure we believe you, but carrying on. Your character, Jake, struggles a lot in the film as his relationship is fizzling out with his high school sweetheart, Melanie. We won’t give it away, but—
WAY: Jake goes through some fucked up shit. You can say it.
BLENDER: Exactly. This guy can’t seem to catch a break.
WAY: He really can’t. Everything he believed to be absolutely perfect about his life falls apart in this period of maybe 48, 72 hours. He just loses his shit, he goes nuts! But that is what’s great about the movie, is that it’s not just another romantic comedy. There’s nothing romantic about it. It shows both sides of a break-up, it shows why everything is falling apart in his life, and how he’s just as guilty as Melanie is, as his friends are, as his family is. You’re not going to feel sorry for this guy, but you’ll definitely relate. You’ll empathize.
BLENDER: You seem to enjoy characters that are the misunderstood-type. The ones we’re not going to feel sorry for, but we can almost relate to if we look deep enough.
WAY: (laughs) It would appear so, right? I don’t know man, there’s just something intriguing about characters like those. Something exciting. Something dangerous. I don’t want to play the standard, boring roles. How many more romantic comedies do we really need? Don’t get me wrong, Reese Witherspoon is gorgeous, but nobody is going to believe me as someone who’s trying to win her heart.
BLENDER: I’d hit it in Legally Blonde.
WAY: I’ll go with Election. I have a soft spot in my heart for the fellow geeks.
BLENDER: Reese aside, how do you go about researching for a role like this? Have any experiences with crazy ex-girlfriends in your past?
WAY: I guess I’ve been lucky with that, no crazy ex-girlfriends for me.
BLENDER: You sure? Rumor has it you went through a nasty break-up yourself during the filming of this movie. Life imitating art?
WAY: That’s the rumor? Well, I mean, yeah, that did happen. It was fucked up. Actually, no, that’s not the right way to say it. It... It sucked. It sucked how parts of my life started following parts of the film a little too closely. Or the other way around I guess.
BLENDER: How so?
WAY: This is what you want to lead your article with? Interesting, though uncreative, approach to advertising the movie.
BLENDER: I take it the break-up is still painful to talk about?
WAY: Of course it is. Sometimes I’m still bitter about the way it ended, and sometimes I’m glad it’s over. And the idea that I could be glad that something that I valued so much could be over—it’s a painful thought. How could I feel that way about this person who means so much to me? I mean, who are we even kidding? Break-ups are emotional. You sit there and think about how bad you feel, you start to wonder who or what was the cause of the problems that you were having, how you didn’t recognize that they were happening. But, at the same time, you’re desperately wondering if the other person still cares. You just want to know that you’re something that the other person is missing, that you at least meant something to them.
BLENDER: You’re absolutely right.
WAY: I really wish I wasn’t. I don’t know. This may be one role I got a little too close to.
* * *
June 23rd, 2006
G
I hate you.
FRANK
* * *
June 24th, 2006
G
I just… i… are… are you kidding me?!
you know… summer is starting, and my life is changing.
and just so you know—I wake up every day with a BIG fucking smile on my face.
and G, the “love of my life”, IT NEVER FUCKING FEELS OUT OF PLACE.
I wonder how bad that tastes for you.
AND JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM THE HAPPIEST I’VE EVER BEEN.
AND… and you know what, i’m falling more and MORE in love with the distance put between us every day. every state I conquer without you… it is MY victory. not yours, not ours, MINE.
i’m the cause to all of your problems?
THIS IS THE REASON YOU’RE ALONE!
i am NO gentleman. i’m a prick. Fuck you Gerard Way.
FUCK. YOU.
how could you say those things? in an interview of all places?
everything we had?
don’t worry, “love”… it’s no longer there.
you fucking asshole.
Maybe I should hate you for this.
i DO hate you for this.
if only you knew half as much as you pretend to.
LET ME GO.
FUCK!
…i can’t believe you told the whole world how badly I made you feel.
what about how badly you made ME feel?
i hate you.
FRANK
* * *
October 31st, 2006
G
i’m growing up. and I’m going to do everything I want to do on my own.
without you.
I am NOT afraid to keep on living.
because you know what? I’VE GOT PROMISE. AND I’VE GOT TALENT.
I don’t need you.
FRANK
* * *
COSMOPOLITAN
November 2006
GUY ON THE RISE: GERARD WAY
Hometown: Summit, New Jersey
Age: 24
Current gig: Starring opposite Skylar Payne in this month’s Storyteller, out November 3rd.
Romantic Status: Single.
ON HIS SUDDEN RISE TO FAME: I can’t wrap my head around it; I don’t know how to understand it. So I fall back to what I do know—I know I’ve got to memorize my lines for tomorrow, and I’ve got to call my Mom before she goes to bed tonight or there’ll be hell to pay.
HIS ADVICE FOR A SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP: You can’t go to bed angry. The moment you do that, nobody’s “won” and you’ve taken two steps back. You wake up in the morning and you feel awful because nothing’s been solved and it starts a brand new day on a negative note. And always say “I Love You”. Every day.
ON HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS: They’re a special kind of love, one that you only get when you’re still idealistic kids, one that you only get once. Unfortunately, when it’s over, it’s a special kind of pain that jades you a little, a pain that you never want to relive again.
ON HIS PERFECT GIRL: Honestly, if there’s a dog-eared copy of Watchmen on your bookshelf and it’s not your little brothers: I’m yours.
* * *
November 5th, 2006
G
I AM NOT AFRAID TO WALK THIS WORLD ALONE.
i am 18 fucking years old Gerard. i am not a child anymore. there are things that I have done that you never should EVER know.
what do you have to say for yourself? this time?
Fuck you—when you see my face, I hope it gives you hell.
You deserve it.
don’t let it all go to your head.
boys like you are a DIME A DOZEN.
especially in Hollywood.
how could you tell the world our rules for each other when you couldn’t even follow them yourself?
how does it feel being a hypocrite? how does it feel being a fucking fake?
I am awake and unafraid.
FRANK
* * *
Box Office for the week of November 3rd-5th, 2006
1) Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan - $26.4m
2) The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause - $19.5m
3) Storyteller - $18.8m
* * *
December 2nd, 2006
The night had been long. From the driving, to the show, to the amount of people that had shown up, to the after-party that had inevitably sprung up because, “that’s what rockstars do”.
The day had been busy, and it hadn’t left Frank a lot of time to think. Just to feel. And regardless of how well he had been able to keep Gerard off of his mind, he could still feel him; he could still feel the realization that he was alone in his heart.
Leaning back against the wall of the elevator, he pressed his head back, closing his eyes momentarily.
“Not able to handle the ‘rockstar lifestyle’?” William teased, leaning against another wall of the elevator, staring at Frank. With the amount of alcohol that both men had consumed that evening, William, somehow, was able to keep himself mostly composed. Frank could barely keep his balance leaning against the wall.
“I can totally handle this,” Frank stated, giving as confident a nod as he could. He was going to fake it until everybody believed he was absolutely okay, himself included.
William wasn’t convinced. Standing up from the wall, he walked straight to Frank, not stopping until he was pressed flush against the boy.
“We’ve all read the papers; we get it. But listen. You are on tour. You have countless disposables, full access, and all of us backing you. You are lucky. Get him off your mind,” William said firmly, staring straight into Frank’s eyes. Pressing one hand against the wall, he took his other hand and held the side of Frank’s face, pulling him forward and pressing a deep kiss to his lips. One, turned in to more.
This wasn’t love. This wasn’t a budding romance.
This was alcohol, and this was recovery.
* * *
December 18th, 2006
G
the entire East Coast.
most of the Midwest.
i’ve done it all so far without you.
and yet…
you’re still all I fucking think about.
I don’t know.
You should have shown up by now.
A knock at the door, me on the balcony… nevermind.
truth be told, I miss you.
truth be told… I’m fucking lying.
I don’t know the difference between the two anymore.
I wish I did.
FRANK
* * *
December 25th, 2006
G
the ink may cover my arms, and the hair is different, but somewhere underneath is the same boy that left. the same boy that loved you. somewhere.
FRANK
* * *
* * *
The Lost Letters: 2007
January 8th, 2007
G,
when am I going to stop being so bitter? it’s been months, and I’m still so angry. when is this feeling going to end?
i watch the things I do, and they all come down to you. whether I like it or not. i realize you’re this part of me that I can never erase, but you’re a part of me that I never want to.
i want to find myself, but I don’t want to lose you.
i don’t know. i don’t know anything.
Frank
* * *
January 28th, 2007
The problem with William was that he was a snoop.
When he had initially asked to use Frank’s laptop to check his email, it hadn’t crossed Frank’s mind that his own email account, opened up to the “Drafts” folder with all of his unsent emails, was still up on the screen. And far be it from William Beckett to look the other way when something was just that easy.
It was where Frank found him almost twenty minutes later, still reading all of the emails one by one. “What the fuck are you doing?”
Easily, William knocked Frank’s hand out of the way before he had a chance to shut the laptop on him. “Reading good stuff,” he said, returning to the email he had been in the middle of reading. “What did I tell you about hiding this shit from me?”
Scowling, Frank set his cup of coffee down on his desk. Reaching out once more, this time he managed to snatch the laptop off of the desk without William putting up a fight. “It’s not a crime to keep some things private.”
“I repeat, it is when it’s good shit!” William exclaimed. Picking up Frank’s coffee, he made a face as he took a sniff of the flavor. “Geez man, you drinking coffee or creamer?”
With a roll of his eyes, Frank set his laptop on the bed to take his cup of coffee back, and William easily swiped the laptop once again.
“Bill, come on man,” Frank whined, clearly giving up on another attempt. “Stop, please?”
“Why are you so shy about your fucking talent?” William asked as he set the laptop back on the desk, suddenly bored with the game. “I mean it kid, look at the stuff you’ve been writing. Try piecing it together to a tune. Then tell me you don’t have a fucking talent for this shit.”
* * *
February 14th, 2007
G
texas. sitting on Sixth Street in a café.
in my hand holds a copy of a pretty fucking awesome music magazine. a picture I took is inside.
ME, of all people, published in a music magazine!!
beneath my magazine… is your damn face. cover of a tabloid. womanizing? really? more lies to keep your image so safe? I suppose this is commonplace now.
i’ve really screwed up in a lot of ways, but I refuse to cry anymore.
especially over you.
i can’t cry over you, I’ve got my own life to live.
my picture is really in this magazine. a picture I took! I’m a published photographer, G… me!
Frank
* * *
February 18th, 2007
G
you kiss me like an overdramatic actor who's starving for work / with one last shot to make it happen / you've won the role, you've played your part, you've been cordially invited / but i'm not impressed, and i'm definitely not excited.
hollywood hills and suburban thrills, hey you, who are you kidding? / i'm not like them. i won't buy in.
take back everything you ever said / you never meant a word of it / you never did.
Frank
* * *
March 8th, 2007
G
“Always will.”
oh, I’ve fucked up so bad.
Frank
* * *
March 28th, 2007
The alcohol talked day after day.
It talked in the morning, with the hangover from the day before greeting the morning sun. It talked in the afternoon during load-in, when jokes about the previous night’s events came in to play, Frank learning how to balance a beer can in one hand, and his camera in the other as he captured tour life. It talked in the evening, during the show, once the final note had been played, and the girls started coming around the van, asking where so and so were.
It talked in the elevator, as it lifted four, five, six stories in the hotel buildings, taking Frank to his floor.
It talked as his body was sandwiched between the wall and the body that pressed against him, his arms circling around William’s shoulders, his hands pressing flush against the back of his neck. It talked as his lips eagerly, drunkenly sought the lips that met his, wanting to feel the familiar comfort that he had felt every time he had kissed Gerard.
The familiar comfort wasn’t there, but Frank could ignore that for the time being.
The alcohol talked as they stumbled into the room, and the alcohol talked as they hit the bed.
The alcohol talked every morning that Frank woke up in bed alone.
* * *
March 29th, 2007
G
I don’t want to sleep alone anymore.
Frank
* * *
April 2nd, 2007
G
you could cure me; see all you have to do now is please try. / give it your best shot and try. / all I’m asking for is love, but you never seem to have enough.
i gotta feel you in my bones again. / i’m all over you… / i’m not over you.
Frank
* * *
April 9th, 2007
G
you’re 25 today.
Happy birthday.
without a doubt, you’re all I dream about.
I’ll admit… I miss you. more than yesterday.
more than I did last year.
you’re so far away.
go on and live your life, but please, show me how.
I’m a total wreck. Do you care at all?
I’m not okay, Gerard, I’m not.
All I need to know… am I something that you’re missing?
I just want to believe in us.
I just want to believe that there’s hope.
i’ve accomplished so much on my own… and I just want you here.
i’ve made our last mistake. I promise.
I MISS YOU. I love you.
Happy birthday.
Frank
* * *
April 18th, 2007
G
we just drove into my 25th state.
whoa.
Frank
* * *
May 2nd, 2007
G
I’m in Los Angeles.
Frank
* * *
May 3rd, 2007
G
second day. the venue is less than a mile from your hotel. i suppose old hotel since I figure you probably have an apartment by now. i looked around for you every other minute it seemed. of course you weren’t there. saw from the magazines that you’re in London filming.
London, damn.
guess you’ve officially made it now.
Frank
* * *
May 8th, 2007
G
I’m a total wreck and almost every day/Like the firing squad or the mess you’ve made
If you were here I’d never have a fear/So go on live your life/But I miss you more than I did yesterday.
Frank
* * *
July 3rd, 2007
It was something that nobody needed to know. And it was something that neither one of them was going to be the first to tell anyone, or even admit to something happening.
That didn’t mean that nobody else had caught on.
While for the most part everyone on the tour was blissfully unaware of the heated embraces that took place in elevators to hotel rooms, body pressed against body, legs intertwined among sheets in hotel beds, there was one set of eyes that was picking up on what was going on. Even if they didn’t have the exact story, they knew it was something that wasn’t supposed to meet the light of day. And they would use that to their advantage.
Jake found each and every way he could to include a snarky remark in any conversation he had with William, or at any moment in time when he was around the man, especially in company where such knowledge about actions behind closed doors could be damaging to everything the men were working hard for.
And it was something William wasn’t appreciating in the slightest.
Over halfway in to a tour, sandwiched in a small club in Maryland, Jake took the liberty to take it another step further.
There couldn’t have been any place more awkward for Frank to be with his camera, taking pictures of the evening, than right there at the moment when Jake let the angry slurs start leaving his lips. He stood more than a few feet away from William, but he was clear to make it no secret who he found the “faggot” to be in the room. A couple of steely glares from William didn’t hold Jake back from throwing the glass filled with beer he had been holding in his hand, and though William was desperately trying to keep himself calm with Ryan’s help, he was quickly losing the struggle.
The moment Jake started to make it obvious that he knew Frank was involved, and William had the man shoved up against the wall in just a few seconds. Though Jake matched his height, and outweighed William by plenty, it was no match for the pure anger that flowed through William’s veins. He was out for blood, and if nobody stepped in, something serious was about to happen.
Nobody stepped in. And William let his fists fly.
* * *
July 4th, 2007
G
Independence is a bitch.
i don’t think i’ve ever been called a ‘faggot’ as much as i have been in the past week. i guess i deserve it. i haven’t done the best things lately. i don’t understand though, what did I do to him? why does he hate me so much? i didn’t do anything. at least, i mean, i haven’t done anything intentionally to him.
i feel like shit. i feel like I ruined everything.
some might say we are made from the sharpest things you say / we never wanted it to be this way.
Frank
* * *
July 18th, 2007
G
this sucks. nothings better out here, really. everyone is great, don’t get me wrong, it’s just jake. Now he’s acting as if I don’t exist, though if William asks my opinion on anything, he has a remark waiting. It’s like world war three out here.
i want to leave, but carissa is flying out here for a couple of days now. I’m really grateful for her.
Pete asked if that would give me a reason to stay, and she’s like the unofficial band mom (don’t tell Aunt Gina), and also the peacemaker when she’s out here so… yeah, I mean, where else would I go?
I’ve never been hated so much for something about me. I don’t understand it.
What a dick.
Frank
* * *
August 30th, 2007
G
what will it take to show you that it’s not the life it seems? / i’m not okay.
come back to me. please.
Frank
* * *
October 31st, 2007
G
i’m 19 today.
do you care at all?
you’re the only face I’ve ever known.
i’m only as much as you want me to be.
I hate that I feel like that.
i want to be so much without you.
but I’m not. I’m just not.
i regret more than I admit.
Frank
* * *
December 26th, 2007
G
At Aunt Gina’s. i overheard her telling Carissa that you haven’t really been here in over a year. That the only time she saw you was when she demanded you come down for lunch while you were in New York filming a movie. why haven’t you been back? What’s so important out there that’s keeping you from home? i know that your life is probably more exciting now, but I hope you know you really always can come back home… she’ll always welcome you back. I always would.
Frank
* * *
* * *
The Lost Letters: 2008
January 2nd, 2008
G
Two years later.
I’m going to try so hard to become a man.
I’m going to try so hard to become the man you deserve.
Famous last words.
I miss you. And I hope you miss me.
Frank
* * *
February 14th, 2008
G
I’m working on myself. I want to be proud of the face I see in the mirror. I don’t know if I am yet. I’ve made too many mistakes.
Frank
* * *
February 22nd, 2008
G
Why is everyone so obsessed with the Internet? All these girls that come to Caveats shows keep asking me if I have a MySpace or a Facebook. Why the fuck would I have one of those??
They keep asking me for my number too. Girls that I’ve talked to once! So bizarre.
Frank
* * *
March 8th, 2008
G,
“ALTERNATIVE PRESS
MARCH 2008
CAVEAT
Living Well Is The Best Revenge EP
4/5 STARS
Released: March 18th, 2008
Download now: GIVES YOU HELL and SLOW DOWN.
Tracklisting:
1) Gives You Hell (Iero/Beckett)
2) Black Mamba (Beckett/Ross)
3) Slow Down (Iero/Beckett)
4) Skeptics and True Believers (Iero/Beckett/Ross)
5) Almost Here (Beckett)”
If you don’t still hate me… you’re probably going to hate me now.
You know what… I don’t care.
Cause, damn. I feel cool.
Frank
* * *
April 9th, 2008
G
26. Hahaha… you’re old.
I wish I could tell you in person.
It’s so stupid because all it takes is picking up a phone and when it comes down to that, I’m too afraid.
I use the excuse that you’re in London (again! geez, you fucking celebrity.) and I can’t afford a call to London, though I know my Gerard would call me back in a second so it’d be on his bill, not mine.
“My Gerard”, what am I, back to eight years old? Weak, that’s not how a man speaks.
I won’t lie though. Sometimes, I think about when we were kids (okay, when I was a kid) in Jersey and everything was perfect and you had all the time in the world for me and I kept trying to convince you to love me by purposely skinning my knee and Aunt Gina made the best dinners and we were fat (you can hide the pictures all you want but they still exist) and we’d sneak kisses in the bathroom claiming you or I were taking a shower but come on like we ever took showers let’s be honest and when Mr. Henson would yell at me for never capitalizing letters in my essays and my run-on sentences but you know what fuck him I like run-on sentences.
Aunt Gina and Pete made me take an online English class at the junior college by the house last year. Pete says he’s going to make me into a little business mogul like him if he has his way. I got an A in my class by the way, sick huh?
I miss you. I love you.
Frank
* * *
June 12th, 2008
G
Pete broke me down. He registered a thing called a Twitter for me a couple of weeks ago and all I have to do is text some numbers and it shows up on this website or something. I still don’t really get it. I don’t get why anyone would want to hear all the stupid shit I think about.
I heard a girl asking Ryan why she wasn’t “following” him. She sounded like a fucking creep, but Ryan explained that that’s what people do with these websites. That sounds INSANE, but I won’t lie, the next girl that asked me for my number that I didn’t have a clue who she was, I told her to “follow” me instead. She seemed happy with that answer.
Girls are weird.
Frank
* * *
INSTYLE
July 2008
We bring up the rumors that surfaced last year, started by Way himself after showing cameras an engagement ring on his hand while leaving a nightclub, and he suddenly looks uncomfortable.
“I was drunk,” he confesses, “and I was going through a tough spot in my life. I was bitter about a lot of things, and alcohol was what I turned to.” His publicist looks like he’s about to intervene on our conversation, but Gerard holds up his hand. He looks at the paparazzi waiting on the sidewalk, a couple taking pictures through the window at our conversation.
“Nobody explains to you how to handle fame, you know? You get advice from everyone, but there’s no clear manual on what to do, how to go about everything. I would never complain about anything in my life now, because I’m so grateful to be where I am.” Gerard stops, and I’m not entirely certain he’s going to continue. For the most part, aside from what tabloids manage to dig up, he’s been notoriously tight-lipped about his life away from the cameras.
“A couple years ago, while filming Storyteller at that, my fiancé ended our engagement. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I was still hurting from the break-up, and just a couple of short weeks later I had to turn around and start publicity for a film about break-ups. I relived my own [break-up] in my head every day for weeks while promoting the film, and let me tell you, that’s enough to make almost anyone go crazy.”
Gerard’s publicist is quick to step in and state that Gerard did not, in fact, go crazy while promoting Storyteller, and the act is enough to bring a laugh to the young actor.
“Hey look, I’m smiling, right?” he asks, though it’s clear it’s not a question. “Time can heal almost anything, and when I think back to the situation now, I know it was something that had to be done. We were young, and we needed time, and space, to grow.”
But what about the engagement ring? Gerard offers only a mysterious shrug, though a small smile is covering his face. “Perhaps I’m just a hopeless romantic waiting for the one that got away.”
* * *
July 23rd, 2008
G
I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry.
Frank
* * *
August 22nd, 2008
G
I am a monster.
I am a monster.
I am a monster.
I am a monster.
I am a monster.
Hate me.
Destroy me.
Frank
* * *
September 2nd, 2008
G,
How are 2,358 people following me on Twitter????? I don’t know that many people!! Who are all these weirdos?!?!
But you know what’s crazy. I said I really wanted a cup of coffee one day, and no joke one girl brought me a cup of coffee THAT NIGHT, and the next day one girl gave me a gift card to COFFEE BEAN!!
Girls are weird. BUT THIS IS AWESOME!
Frank
* * *
September 18th, 2008
G
Saw your letter in Pete’s email today. I think he purposely wanted me to see it since he asked me to print some email from his inbox. I saw his response.
I am the biggest fucking tool on the planet.
Frank
* * *
October 31st, 2008
From: bringmeyourbullets@...
To: eatyourveggies@...
Date: October 31st, 2008, 3:48pm
Subject: (no subject)
Happy 20th birthday Frank.
I hope it’s a good one.
G
* * *
October 31st, 2008
G
Had that wrong—NOW I am the biggest fucking tool on the planet.
I don’t have enough guts to face you. Not after what I’ve done. Not after what I’ve said, what I’ve thought, what I’ve felt.
Frank
* * *
December 30th, 2008
G
I think I’m going to hyperventilate myself into a heart attack. Is that possible?
Fuck. The tattoo hurt less.
I’ll be okay.
Frank
* * *
From: eatyourveggies@...
To: bringmeyourbullets@...
Date: December 30th, 2008, 8:52pm
Subject: (no subject)
Always will.
Frank
* * *
December 30th, 2008
Gerard Way couldn’t remember the last time he had been to any kind of fundraiser that didn’t have white sheer curtains covering the walls. This time, the curtains happened to be covering up wallpaper he was sure came from a decade long before he was born, in an awful shade of mustard green. He pointed out said fact to Skylar when she met up with him at one of the many mini-buffet tables spread out around the room, eliciting a loud laugh from her that caused quite a few heads around the pair to turn.
Desperately trying to muffle her laughter, she distracted herself by giving Gerard a smack on the shoulder. “What did you do, attend the Fashion Institute while I was out of the country? Who are you to give interior design commentary?”
“Hey,” Gerard protested, rubbing his shoulder. “I’m just saying. You’d think with how much money these people throw at everyone, they’d hire someone who was a little, oh, I don’t know, original?”
Her eyes sparkling, Skylar leaned in and whispered her response. “Originality, in Hollywood? You don’t say!”
“Delusional moment,” Gerard offered, reaching in to his pocket as he felt his BlackBerry vibrate twice. Glancing at the “new notification” screen, he thought briefly about passing the phone to Adam to deal with any work emails that were being sent his way. The phone was already in his hand, he reasoned, and it wasn’t as if Adam didn’t already make a habit of regularly checking Gerard’s cell phone messages for any notes that slipped through on his personal number, knowing Gerard had quite a habit of purposely ignoring emails that weren’t expressively stated to be “urgent”.
But, as his eyes ran over the notification that greeted him, this was one email he didn’t expect.
His fingers moved before his brain could catch up, and though it only took two seconds to read the three words contained in the email, it took longer for him to take it in.
“Gerard?”
After a couple more quiet moments, the tip of his tongue slid out to moisten his suddenly dry lips, and he looked up at her with a blank expression. “He sent me an email.”
Later that evening, after the fundraiser and after a quick drink at the bar with a producer he had worked with on a previous film, Gerard shut his bedroom door behind him. He usually had no problem sleeping with his bedroom door open, but after particularly long days or nights around a large group of people such as the event that evening, he tended to lean towards making his room feel as small as possible while he nodded off to sleep. The dark curtains that covered the windows helped add to the effect.
Opening up the closet door, Gerard stood on his toes and reached to the top shelf to retrieve a small box he kept stored there. Sometimes, he could be just as clichéd as some of the movies he found himself involved with.
Sitting down on his bed, he placed the lid down next to him on the bedspread and reached back in to the box. The folded up piece of paper was still there, a little frayed around the edges and the creases soft, but the words in ink still perfectly clear.
He didn’t need to refresh himself; he could recite the letter by heart.
He read it anyway. This time, with a glimmer of hope.
January 1st, 2006
Gerard,
I’m sorry. what a way to start?
I never thought I’d be writing this.
i—no matter what, I’m in your shadow. i need to find me. I don’t know who i am without you. and I don’t think you know you without me.
is it hard understanding, i’m incomplete? LA showed me that. we’ve turned into something so demanding and—I, I’m weak, G. i’ve gotta find me. i have to do this on my own.
i’m scared as hell, but this is the only way I know how. a cowardly letter.
I LOVE YOU… but something changed last night, and this morning we were broken. i’m a mess. you’re a mess. I don’t know how to cope without you either but, it’s not supposed to be like this. you’re the rest of my life G, I KNOW this. But not like this, not as some broken shell of something amazing we once were. we were never like this before, and we don’t deserve to grow into this.
this morning, I saw you lying next to me, with words I thought I’d never speak—AWAKE and UNAFRAID.
i am not afraid to walk this world alone.
i am not afraid to keep on living.
that’s how I need to be.
you want to make me happy?
this is what it takes—letting me go.
please, let me go.
I LOVE YOU. YOU ARE MY LIFE.
- frank
